


I'm A Walking Travesty

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comforting James, Depressed Lily, Just For Bad Thoughts, Multi, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 10:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10435410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lily is depressed. James is always there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little vent fic. It's not very good but I don't hate it, so here it is.

Lily trudges up the lawn, cursing herself for being so unfit. She stumbles on an uneven bit of grass, making her lose her books to the damp ground. She looks down at the pile of books she'd let fall.

_Clumsy._

She drops to the ground a good six feet away from her things. Her knees instantly feeling damp through her jeans. Lily turns and lays back on the grass. She was supposed to be going to her next class – History, she thinks. Other students peer down at her as they move past, some wondering if she's okay, others wonder why calm, smart Lily Evans has collapsed in the middle of the grounds instead of going to class. She tries to ignore them.

_They're all looking at you._

For a while, Lily simply watches the sky. Nothing good nor bad happens. She just watches as the clouds float by. Too soon after she closes her eyes, Lily hears breathing that isn’t hers, footsteps that are too quick, too heavy. Then there's someone sitting beside her. She doesn't open her eyes yet. She hopes they know that means she wants to be alone. Lily breathes in deeply, can smell a faint cologne.

Quick, heavy footsteps. Calm, slow breathing despite the running. Cologne that smells only of home. A comfortable silence that falls over them. James.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. But she wants him to. She wants him to tell her to come to class. To yell at her for being so _stupid stupid stupid._

But he doesn't. And she somehow hates him for it. He's too patient too nice too good. Too James.

"Why are you here, James?" Lily says, squeezing her eyes shut tighter.

He doesn't question how she knows it's him. He knows she thinks it wouldn't be anyone else.

"You weren’t in Charms. I was… Glancing out the window, and I saw you."

"And?"

"And I came down here."

"In the middle of class." It doesn't come out as a question like she means it to. But it doesn't matter.

"Yes."

_You're making him miss class too._

"Why'd you come?" Small voice, weak voice.

"Because I love you." James was no longer fazed by Lily's behaviour anymore, her constant questioning. He was used to it. It was okay. But she wasn't. He just needed her to be okay. Okay enough.

"Why?" Smallest voice, weakest voice.

James doesn't answer. Lily knows why. Because he lied. Because he doesn't really love her. She knows he's coming up with an excuse. Planning his words out in a perfect lie. But it's too perfect. Because she knows he doesn't love her.

Eyes still closed, Lily reaches instinctively towards her stomach. She wraps her arms around herself. Lily realises now that James is talking, probably has been for a while.

_Ungrateful. For James, for this life._

He's talking softly and quickly, but not rambling. Like he's excited. Not excited about Lily. Excited that his lie is convincing her. But it's not. Because Lily knows he's lying.

"James," She whispers.

Lily's eyebrows meet. James won't stop talking. He was saying good things. Nice things. About Lily. Lies. Good nice things about Lily that are definitely not even a little bit true.

"–And your freckles! The little ones, just under your eyes, they look like little constellations and–"

She subconsciously moves a hand to her face, rubs at her freckles. She only notices she was doing it when James puts his hands over hers to stop her. He doesn't mention it.

"You're so strong, Lily. So much braver–"

Lily has to stop listening. Because he's _lying lying lying._

_Because you're not any of those good nice things._

"Lily?

"Mhm…"

She could feel his eyes on her. Studying her _ugly ugly ugly_ body. She opens her eyes slowly, and a tear slides sideways down her face and disappears into her hair. James leans back against the grass and takes Lily's hand.

"I'm okay, you know." Lily said, unquestioning.

"No, you're not."

She doesn't argue because she's too tired and he's too stubborn.

"Can we go inside now?"

James nods, cheek rubbing against the ground. Lily smiles sadly. James doesn't let go of her hand until after he stands, gently pulling Lily with him. He waves his wand at Lily's forgotten belongings so they slip into her bag, and he slings both of their bags over his shoulder. He rests his hand on the small of Lily's back, only to have her automatically lean away.

_Because he doesn't really like you._

James pulls her close.

- 

They traipse up the main staircase and through the Transfiguration corridor, heading towards the Tower. When Professor McGonagall passes them, she feigns ignorance of the tears in Lily's eyes, and the concern in James's. She walks on as if they aren’t there, and James shoots her a grateful smile.

The Fat Lady doesn't grumble her usual snide remarks aimed at James, instead allowing them in without the password.

"James. I'm okay. Truly. I just need to get some sleep." She knows he doesn't believe her. She sounds the furthest from okay. Her voice is soft and hoarse, and her eyes glassy. Even the way she holds herself is concerning, but James doesn't say anything.

Instead, he hugs Lily, tells her he loves her. "Always will, Lil." He pulls back and looks her in the eye. "You'll find me, yeah? If you need me?"

Lily tells him she will. But they both know she won't.

- 

She lays on the floor of her dorm room, pulling her wand from its place through her ponytail. She stares at the painted ceiling. Dorcas, in their fourth year, decided it needed colour. She painted the moon, thousands of stars, one special star for Marlene.

Lily isn’t crying. Because she's not sad. She's just numb. James appears in the doorway. He sees her on the floor again, curses Merlin for cursing Lily. He approaches her slowly and sits beside her, leaning against Marlene's bed. He leaves her her space, worried he'll upset her more. He knows how she thinks. Knows he can't do anything about it. Wishes he could do _anything_ to make her okay again.

Lily slowly moves closer to James, curls into his side. She only starts crying when James tells her he loves her again. When he starts running his fingers through her hair. When he is gentle kind patient with her. He holds her like she's the most precious thing in the world.

And to him, she is.

But she knows she isn't. She's just _there._

_You're just a burden._

"Don't think, Lil," James whispers into her hair.

Lily doesn't ask how he always knows. She doesn't ask how he got up the stairs into the girls' dorms. She doesn't ask how he knew she'd need him.

Because it doesn't matter. Because he's here.

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please point out any mistakes, I hate them more than I hate myself.  
> I could end it here, but I kinda want to continue. Thoughts?


End file.
